


you're like the stars (im a goner)

by tigerteeth



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 03:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3554285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerteeth/pseuds/tigerteeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler pretends like it’s going to be okay. He pretends it’s going to be okay soon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're like the stars (im a goner)

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to goner too much (140 times + counting now oops) and all that emotion turned into this ? i honestly didn't mean for the sad stuff to happen, i just wanted to write down what that song made me feel like and i guess..... this is it
> 
> if you listen to goner while reading this then maybe you'll feel it more : [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgmgFLV0fp4)]

It’s nearly 3 o'clock in the morning. Tyler is still lying in his bed, twisted in his sheets, insomnia shaking his brain uncomfortably. His thoughts are spinning and he grasps onto his blankets, the only thing he can think of to keep him from spiraling into another dimension. He’s been watching the snow outside for hours now and the slow drift of white snowflakes falling is somewhat comforting. Everything is eerily quiet.

There’s a shadow falling across him and slow, hesitant footsteps growing louder, and when Tyler peers into his open doorway, he makes out Josh’s silhouette. He looks small and fragile, standing there in his underwear and an old worn out white t-shirt, one hand propped up on the doorway for support. 

“Tyler, can I—?” Josh’s voice cracks.

Before Josh can finish speaking, Tyler sits up and scoots over to make room in his bed. Josh clambers in beside him, pressing close without hesitation, his breathing uneven. His skin is freezing cold against Tyler’s.

“Dude, you’re so cold,” Tyler slides down underneath the blankets and wriggles his toes against Josh’s. Josh’s teeth just chatter back in response and Tyler thinks it’s appropriate to wrap his arms around him. 

“I can’t sleep anymore, Tyler. I’m scared,” Josh trembles in Tyler’s arms. He’s so cold.

“Hey, hey—shhh,” Tyler runs his hands over Josh’s arms, trying to warm him up. “You’re safe here, I promise.” 

He can feel Josh crying, his face pressed against Tyler’s chest, but he pretends he doesn’t notice. He pretends it’s okay. Josh is so damn cold.

Once Josh is asleep, Tyler sighs, tucking his hands between the two of them and gently hooking his fingers through Josh’s. 

 

It’s an endless, miserable winter. Outside is just an everlasting, vast white wasteland. All emotions are swallowed in a sea of cold.

 

Tyler finds 3 am becoming a familiar time to be awake. Josh comes into his room almost every night and cries himself to sleep, cradled in Tyler’s arms. Sometimes it’s too much and something snaps and Tyler’s crying too and Josh’s hands are always there, brushing the tears off his cheeks, whispering to him that everything is fine. Tyler pretends like it’s going to be okay. He pretends it’s going to be okay soon.

 

There are purple circles underneath Josh’s eyes and he’s too pale. His hair is ragged and the pink dye is faded, grown out and messy. Tyler can see every single one of his ribs and Josh is weak. He doesn’t pick up his sticks and play the drums anymore. Tyler is hopeless but he’s weak too and he can’t bring himself to do anything more than what he already has done. He just holds Josh at night when it’s bad and lets him cry. They haven’t talked about it, not since the first time it happened. Tyler thinks he needs to change that.

 

It’s snowing outside. The night is freezing cold, colder than ever, and no amount of blankets is changing how much they’re both shivering. They’re sitting on the couch together, their legs tangled, trying to stay as close and warm as possible. Josh’s hand is pressed tightly into Tyler’s. Tyler squeezes Josh’s fingers and gazes wearily up at him.

“Josh, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he whispers. Josh’s expression doesn’t change but he just closes his eyes with an exhausted sigh.

“Tyler…”

“Josh, you’ve crawled into my bed every night for the past three weeks and cried yourself to sleep. You barely eat. You look sick. Please tell me what’s going on.”

Josh shifts somewhat uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Tyler.” His voice a murmur.

Tyler just stares at Josh, who isn’t looking back at him. He can feel his lip start to tremble and he knows whatever is going on is more than not okay. 

“Please tell me,” he breathes, twisting his fingers with Josh’s tightly.

When Josh looks at him, there’s tears in his eyes and he shudders, taking in a shaky breath. “I’m scared, Tyler. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just want to give up.”

Tyler’s eyes fill with tears and he pulls Josh’s fragile body closer to him. 

“Josh, I want you to listen to me. You mean the world to me—oh god,” Tyler lets out a sob against the front of Josh’s shirt. He can feel Josh’s sturdy hands wrap around his shoulders and push him back, gently so he can look him in the eyes. 

“Tyler, please don’t cry,” Josh says, running his hands gently over Tyler’s upper arms, trying to steady him.

“Josh…” 

“I relapsed, Tyler,” Josh says simply, almost too calmly.

“Joshua Dun, I—” Tyler is shaking now, tears streaking his face. The tears caught on his eyelashes are reflecting the light, sparkling. “How could you do this to yourself? Josh…”

Josh is crying now too and his hand is hot against the side of Tyler’s neck and every touch is burning him. He doesn’t elaborate. He doesn’t tell Tyler how many red marks he’s made in his skin near the waistline of his pants along his hips and stomach just so he can feel the searing pain better. He doesn’t tell Tyler the reason he can’t sleep alone anymore, the nagging in the back of his mind to just end it. He does not tell him how in love with Tyler he probably is and how much his chest burns when he’s around him. He just takes deep breaths and doesn’t break contact with him.

“Josh, whatever you need, I’ll give it to you. I would do anything for you, Josh, please,” Tyler is pleading now, trying to wipe the tears from his own eyes. 

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tyler.” Josh rubs his thumb slowly against Tyler’s cheek. The smaller boy is sniffling and he doesn’t say anything else.

Josh sighs, pulling the blanket up over both of them, rocking Tyler slowly back and forth. This time Tyler is the one to cry himself to sleep in Josh’s arms. 

 

Josh wakes up early in the morning, his body twisted at an awkward angle, his legs stiff, and there is a weight against his right side. Looking down, he catches sight of Tyler curled nearly on top of him, limbs splayed out across the couch, his arms wound tightly around Josh’s middle. Josh’s heart nearly stops and he can feel the familiar scorching sensation rise up in his throat.

 

He eats breakfast with Tyler and he’s so damn in love, his head is dizzy and he nearly throws up afterwards. 

 

It gets a little better with time. Tyler cooks, Josh eats. Josh stops crying at night. Josh is still in love with Tyler and Tyler doesn’t know. Tyler thinks he might be in love with Josh.

 

Winter is _long_. There’s snow on the ground for ages. Tyler writes out crappy lyrics on the backs of old receipts while he watches the snow fall, listening to Josh hum from where he’s seated on the couch.

 He scribbles absentmindedly on the receipt. Josh is still humming and Tyler feels his heart constrict. It’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. 

He stands up and turns towards Josh, who’s reclined on the couch, eyeing Tyler with an unrecognizable look in his eyes. His humming subsides and there’s a genuine smile on his face.

Tyler feels like his head is going to explode but he just reaches down and grabs Josh’s wrist lightly, tugging him up from the couch and suddenly they’re standing very close together. Tyler drags him by the arm and takes him to the back door, opening it, immediately being blasted with a gust of crispy air and stray snowflakes. Josh doesn’t say a word. 

Tyler doesn’t really care that both of them are wearing only boxers and t-shirts. He pads out into the dark yard, sliding his hand down and entwining his fingers with Josh’s as he leads them both to the center of the tiny patch of grass that serves as their yard. The snow is freezing on his toes but he stops and stares up at the black, freckled night sky. Snowflakes tickle his nose and eyes. Josh stands beside him silently, not asking any questions. 

Tyler presses his body to Josh’s. They’re standing outside in below freezing temperatures in the middle of the goddamned night but Tyler is filled with euphoria. His pulse is erratic and he can barely feel his legs anymore, but it’s okay. It’s good.

“Tyler, why are we standing out here in the freaking snow?” Josh turns his head to ask him the question. His breath is warm and it mixes with Tyler’s. His own heart is pounding too.

“Because we’re alive, Josh. We’re alive and we need to remember that it’s okay,” Tyler says, choosing his words carefully. He squeezes Josh’s hand. As he’s looking into his best friend’s dark eyes, he finally recognizes what he should have recognized long ago. That unrecognizable look in Josh’s eyes, it wasn’t confusion or sadness. 

“We’re lucky to be here together. We’re so goddamned lucky,” Tyler whispers. He moves his eyes to look up at the sky again. He can’t feel his legs or his face at this point, but he just leans his head down and rests it on Josh’s shoulder.

“Tyler. We’re going to get sick if we stay out here much longer,” Josh urged, pulling at Tyler’s hand.

There’s a long silence and Tyler sways on his legs, numb from the cold.

His body is shaking. 

He’s so cold.

What was he thinking bringing them out here?

Both of them are dusted with snow and it’s soaking through their clothing.

“ _Fuck_ , it’s cold,” Josh curses.

“I don’t want to go in, it’s beautiful out here,” Tyler breathes, snowflakes swirling around in front of his face. 

He jolts when he feels Josh’s hands sweeping him off his feet and up into his arms. “Hey!” He giggles.

Oh, _god,_ thats fucking _adorable_ , and Josh’s heart hurts. He just grins down at Tyler and hugs him to his chest. Tyler’s hands are grabbing onto Josh’s shoulders too tight and his hands are shaking, but Josh’s arms are surprisingly steady. Both of their clothes are sodden, freezing cold. 

“We’re going inside before we both freeze to death.”

“Josh, wait. I need to tell you something.” Tyler says, his voice shaking.

“Hey, Tyler. Hey, it’s okay. Tell me in a second, okay?” Josh whispers, making his way inside and to the bathroom. He sits Tyler down on the toilet seat, making sure he won’t fall over, and reaches for the shower. 

“J—Josh,” Tyler says through chattering teeth. “I’m fine.”

Josh laughs, “No, you’re not. Please, Tyler, I don’t want you to die from hypothermia.”

Tyler just scowls at him and lets Josh lift his soaked t-shirt from his body, moving carefully. Everywhere his calloused fingers touch Tyler feels a million nerve endings exploding. Maybe he _is_ getting hypothermia. 

While he works, Josh continues speaking, “What were you thinking, going outside in your fucking underwear? Why did I follow you? Why was that even a good idea?” Really, Josh is just talking to himself. Tyler’s skin is far from cold now, it’s on fire and he can’t breathe when Josh casually pulls his boxers off and guides him gently to get under the spray of the shower. 

Josh keeps talking but Tyler isn’t listening. He’s taking off his own shirt now, which is white and semi-transparent and sticking to his skin and is _extremely_ distracting. Tyler just stares at him, forgetting that he’s standing there in the shower, completely naked. Josh’s clothes are all on the floor and he just pulls back the curtain, stepping into the shower behind Tyler. He pretends he didn’t see Tyler staring at the scars on his stomach. He puts his forehead on Tyler’s shoulder and lets out a long, exasperated sigh. Tyler still doesn’t speak at all.

“So, what were you trying to tell me before we almost died out there?” Tyler feels Josh’s jaw moving against his back. 

Gulping, Tyler just turns around and moves himself closer to Josh. He can hear Josh’s heart pounding in his chest and his mouth twitches up into a smile, wrapping his arms around him. It’s all just smooth skin, and Tyler doesn’t ever want to move. 

“Tyler…” Josh says, face now pressed into his neck.

“Josh, I—I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I’ve been trying to figure out some stuff,” Tyler starts, choosing his words carefully. “The weird feeling I get when I’m around you. I don’t know what it means. Maybe I do now? It’s like the feeling you get when you look up at the stars and your brain is spinning too fast because there are so many and it feels like everything is going to collapse but you feel more free and more hopeful than you ever have.”

Josh hums softly in understanding, allowing Tyler to continue. The smaller boy pulls back so he can look Josh in the eyes. There’s water dripping into his face but he could care less.

“I think it might possibly mean that I’m in love with you.” Tyler’s world is collapsing and his head is filled with white noise and the voice in his head is screaming at him _._ Tyler feels like he’s going to pass out just from saying those words and he stares into Josh’s warm eyes, not realizing how hard he’s gripping Josh’s arms.

Tyler sees sparks when Josh’s mouth is suddenly pressed against his. It’s a short, chaste kiss, and Josh doesn’t say another word, nor does Tyler think he could hear anything if he did. He turns off the water and hooks his arms underneath Tyler’s small body again, carrying him to Tyler’s room. Tyler’s trembling and there’s a trail of water following them out of the room but they’re both too dizzy to care.

Josh pulls Tyler close to him under the covers of the bed and they stare into each other’s eyes with a brightness that neither of them have felt nor seen for years. There are stars spinning in Josh’s head as he tries to process Tyler’s words and he knows he doesn’t need to tell him how much he loves him back. 

Even with the darkness surrounding them menacingly, the cold trying to tear them apart, the two of them sleep soundly through the night. 

It will be okay soon.

 

**Author's Note:**

> the end was rushed and i didn't edit this very well so apologies if there are mistakes/it doesn't flow well  
> i hope u liked it xoxo thx for reading


End file.
